Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthin ta Fuck Wit

I had a strange apocalyptic dream, that may or may not have been prophetic. We’ll just have to see. So….Wu-Tang announced that they’d be performing a free concert atop a Wal-Mart in Atlanta. On the day of the concert, a huge crowd showed up and overran the Wal-Mart parking lot. Seeing a huge, rowdy crowd forming, local police showed up. There were helicopters buzzing overhead and the entire perimeter was cordoned off with steel barriers and armed police in riot gear. A fight broke out near the entrance and an overzealous officer popped off a couple rounds. A stray bullet made it’s way to the stage and exploded out the back of Raekwon’s head. The entire crowd revolted and overpowered the officers. A full scale riot broke out and the national guard got called in. Media started spreading images of young, black men and women being brutally beaten and murdered in the streets. The country erupted into an all-out race war, toppling all systems of government in the country.

Wild-Ass Mustang

Ok, so I took a nap and had another crazy movie dream. This one needs lots of fleshing out, but it still seemed like a good movie while I dreamt it.

So this boy and his parents move out into the country from the big city. Normal growing pains, boy doesn’t like it, has no friends, etc. In fact, the town’s a bit redneck and isn’t very accepting of his outspokenly liberal parents either: mom joins the PTA, dad has an incident with locals at the hardware store, etc. But, the boy meets a girl. The girl’s nice to him, gets to know him, accepts him. Girl’s really into horses, her dad trains horses, her dad hates boy and is kinda a shitbag. Boy and girl see Bobby Kerr perform at county fair. Boy learns that he really likes horses too, decides he’d like to become trainer, but he has no horses or experience and nobody in town would be willing to teach him. Enter old man, kind of an outcast from town, thought to be kinda crazy. Turns out old man was a decent horse trainer back in the day. Old man agrees to help boy, but boy still needs a horse. Boy has some money saved but starts working to save more. Girl’s shitbag dad just got a few new mustangs. One of them is really troublesome and shitbag dad is angry that he’s unable to break him. Shitbag dad gets kicked (but not that bad), and in fit of rage is going to shoot wild-ass mustang. Daughter stops him, and boy offers to buy horse. Shitbag dad still doesn’t want to sell, so old man offers money he’s saved as well. Shitbag dad agrees to get rid of wild-ass mustang. Boy begins breaking horse with help of old man, but they’re still having trouble. Old man decides he needs to train boy before boy can train horse. Old man takes boy to weekly local rodeo. Lots of stares. Boy starts to realize what it takes to be a cowboy. Old man sticks boy on bull (just a little guy). Boy is very nearly killed, but gains new respect/passion. They decide not to tell boys parents. Boy returns to breaking wild-ass mustang. Montage: boy eventually breaks horse and begins training him. Turns out boy is actually pretty good with horses. Girl shows boy state fair flyer: Horse trainer competition, winner gets money, chance to perform with Bobby Kerr to open rodeo at sold out arena. Old man tragically dies. Boy enters competition in his honor. Finals come down to boy and shitbag dad. After done and his performance is judged, Shitbag dad tries to rig competition by injuring wild-ass mustang. Wild-ass mustang kicks the shit out of shitbag dad, but suffers minor injury in the process. Boy doesn’t want to risk further injuring his horse, but wild-ass mustang makes it clear he intends to perform. Boy and mustang blow away judges and get to perform alongside Bobby Kerr. Community sees how far boy has come and accepts him and his family. Boy gets girl because shitbag dad is a vegetable and can’t stop them. With money from fair, boy and girl take over shitbag dad’s ranch and train horses happily ever after.



So I had this kinda crazy dream last night. One of those “where the fuck did this come from” like you’re watching a movie for which you’ve never even seen a preview kinda dreams. I’ll try to fill in details where I can; Y’know those blurry bits where you didn’t actually watch something happen, but you’re just kinda given the knowledge. Anyway:

Apparently I was some super-genius engineer stuck in a dead-end job with my talents going unused and unappreciated. I started a project at home (more of a lab) where through a mixture of genetics, nanotech,and AI programming,  I created a Korean girl. Actually, I created 3 Korean girls. The other two were kinda failed experiments.

The first I created was Anna. She was a very successful prototype, however she never progressed past the mind of a child. I should explain: when creating the AI, I couldn’t just go and program a personality. Instead, I created a set of base protocols and let the girls learn and develop on their own. Anna was very nearly perfect. She was very polite and well-mannered, however she wasn’t very smart, a bit of a klutz and suffered from severe social anxiety (somewhat based on Chi from Chobits or Miharu from Girls Bravo). This wouldn’t be a big deal, except that all three of the girls have somewhat superhuman strength, speed, and agility. Some of Anna’s little klutzy mistakes had very nearly injured people in the past (including myself), only contributing to her social anxiety. She eventually got to the point that she never left the lab.

After Anna, I tried going quite the opposite with my next attempt. I did everything I could to accelerate the AI learning process in an attempt to break the barriers I had encountered with Anna, and it was quite successful up to a point. The second girl named herself Tien Shen (not a Korean name, but whatev). Tien Shen was advancing at staggering speed. She surpassed Anna’s mental capabilities in mere days and before long she rivaled top scholars in every field. However, her emotional development had been taking a disturbing turn. She began having violet mood swings, overwhelmed by her rapid development. One day while I was out, she found a stray cat outside the lab. She befriended it and brought it in to give it some milk. While they were playing, however, the cat scratched Tien. Tien flew into a rage, killing the cat and destroying some equipment. I kept trying to help her, hoping this was a phase she would grow out of. The final straw came when she got it into her head that she wanted to have a baby (an impossibility). I tried to reason with her and felt I had gotten through, only to come home one day to find she had kidnapped an infant. When I told her that we had to return it to the parents, she quickly became violent. I had to lull her into believing that I had accepted the idea of raising the baby together in order to get close enough to sedate her. I tried, but couldn’t bring myself to deactivate/destroy her, so I kept her locked in an old bank vault in the lab while i tried to find a solution.

One night, a stroke of inspiration led me to create a third girl. This time I managed to tweak the AI using data I had gathered from Tien. Third time’s a charm. The new girl showed great promise, developing quickly but without showing signs of psychotic tendencies as with Tien. She thought Anna’s name was very pretty and wanted to call herself Anna too. After convincing her that would not work, she decided to call herself Annabelle.

Skip ahead. Annabelle and I are very much in love. Since she has no formal identity, Annabelle is unable to work but rather spends her time doing volunteer work. She also helps me take care of her sisters, doing the shopping for Anna who still cant leave the house and keeping Tien in line as only she can with her matching abilities. Even Tien seems happier and enjoys more freedom since she has Annabelle to watch over her. Everything seems to be going great, however unbeknownst to everyone else, Tien starts to become quite jealous of Annabelle and me. This begins to manifest as anger toward her sisters and me. Tien escapes the lab and goes on a rampage around town. Annabelle wants to find her, but I convince her it’s far too dangerous. Since the two of them look almost identical, she would easily be mistaken as Tien. Cops and SWAT teams are unable to subdue Tien as her physical and mental capacities are largely unmatched. Unable to keep watching idly, Annabelle goes after Tien. The two are locked in an epic battle as the national guard and F-22s are scrambled to the scene. There’s lots of back-and-forth in the fight, but in the end Tien’s ruthlessness gives her the upper hand. Just as Tien has all but killed Annabelle and is about to continue her rampage unimpeded, Annabelle sacrifices herself and buys just enough time for the inbound F-22s, so that her and Tien are both destroyed in an airstrike.

In the aftermath, I’m devastated to say the least. I’ve just watched one of my creations dispense carnage around the city, and witnessed the love of my life sacrifice herself to put a stop to it. I feel as though my life instantly begins to crumble. The government and the media still have no clue what exactly these girls were or where they came from, but I’m sure questioning will eventually lead back to me. Feeling no way out, I’m even contemplating suicide as I make my way back to the lab. Once there, sobbing with a gun in my hand, I’m stopped by the tender touch and softspoken words of Anna. As it turns out, Annabelle had, in secret, been trying to work out some of the bugs in Anna’s programming. Using her own neural makeup as a guide, she was able to remove the restrictions that had halted Anna’s development. In the process, Annabelle had inadvertently transferred some of her own memories into Anna.

Skip ahead to a white sand beach in some non-extradition country. Anna, now fully cognitively developed, finds herself an amalgam of her former self and Annabelle. She begins referring to herself as Anna-B, both an homage to Annabelle and a recognition that she has grown beyond her original programming. The two of us now live happily together as the scene fades to black on a perfect orangey purple, ocean sunset.


Steak & Salad


Here’s a ridiculous thing I do. I started a YouTube channel called eatynotalky. That’s right, videos of me eating…and not talking.


I’ve been saying I should get back to making designs, selling shirts, etc. I’ve been making plenty excuses for why I hadn’t started. One of the big things holding me back has been the lack of a drawing tablet. I hate trying to find fonts that I can freely use and always thought my own handwriting would make the most unique font possible. Well, today I found a decent drawing app for my android tablet. So I’ve been piddling around with a few new designs, re-familiarizing myself with Cafepress, and wondering if there isn’t a better outlet somewhere out there online. I made a couple new ones today. We’ll wait and see if there are any bites. I’ve actually been really surprised that people still steadily keep buying my old ones. They’re not flying off the shelves, but 1 or 2 things sell every month. Maybe I can actually muster some effort and pick up that pace. I’ll take whatever I can claw at.

Google: cheese

I have a weird, techy quirk that I caught myself doing again today and thought I’d spread. As an IT Guy (I capitalize b/c that’s my official title), I’m often called upon to “fix the Internet”. Of course I start by pinging around, making sure DNS servers are available, etc; but, as with most things in my line of work, the problem is often fixed by simply closing the browser and trying again. Once the browser reloads and your homepage pops up, it seems like you’re in the clear. But, as any seasoned IT Guy knows, browsers often load your homepage from cache, thus giving you a false sense of “having Internets”. The solution is to simply try some other webpage that you know won’t be sitting in cache. That’s where cheese comes in handy. I’m pretty sure I picked up this habit from my old IT mentor, Walton. I say I picked it up from him, but I don’t think it was actually a habit until it was passed on to me. One day we were troubleshooting a computer having connection issues. We finally got it to pull up the homepage (Google), but to make sure it wasn’t just showing a cached page, Walton searched the first thing that came to mind: cheese. That stuck with me for absolutely no reason. Since then, googling “cheese” has been part of my troubleshooting arsenal. I’m sure plenty friends and coworkers have been curious when the come back to their desks and find cheese.

Johnny Yolk and the Albumen

I’m just jotting down an idea while I’m fresh out of the shower.
A parody of one of those Time-Life (or whatever) commercials selling oldies CDs. This time it’s “The Best of Johnny Yolk and the Albumen”, a throwback rock-n-roll band that sings exclusively about eggs. I’m imagining a breakfast themed wardrobe (bacon ties, etc). I’ll need to flesh out the songs a little, but we’re talking about those short clips where they mostly just sing the chorus. So far:
Kentucky Scramble – their biggest swing single
Over Easy – a slow, romantic melody
Sunny Side up – a feel-good ballad
Egg on my Face – a breakup song
Gettin Laid – one of the grittier songs from late in their career
Mama was a Chicken – a bit of bluegrass
I Aint no Custard – spirited fight song

Feel free to contribute any ideas. Once it’s cogent, I’ll see if we can get it shot and uploaded.

liver n onions

so I’m at home diggin on one of the best plates of liver n onions I’ve ever tasted, fork just dropping through them like butter. I give part of the credit to the fact that I’m eating with my favorite fork. It’s one that got handed handed off to me when I went to college or moved into my first apartment or something. In fact I like my fork so much that I start thinking about naming it excalibur or something. But then wait…it’s a fork. It’s quite plausible that more than one of this exact fork was manufactured. There’s possibly a whole drawer of excaliburs out there. Fast forward five minutes and I’m searching vintage allegheney flatware on ebay and reading collectibles forums. Apparently it’s everyone else’s favorite fork too. Similar yet inferior forks sell for $10 each and are never found in sets larger than four. Turns out my fork truly is excalibur. Maybe I really can blame the fork for making me fat.

Hippy Commune Plans

hippy commune plansSometimes the best plans are scratched front & back into a piece of notepaper.