Here’s a ridiculous thing I do. I started a YouTube channel called eatynotalky. That’s right, videos of me eating…and not talking.
I’ve been saying I should get back to making designs, selling shirts, etc. I’ve been making plenty excuses for why I hadn’t started. One of the big things holding me back has been the lack of a drawing tablet. I hate trying to find fonts that I can freely use and always thought my own handwriting would make the most unique font possible. Well, today I found a decent drawing app for my android tablet. So I’ve been piddling around with a few new designs, re-familiarizing myself with Cafepress, and wondering if there isn’t a better outlet somewhere out there online. I made a couple new ones today. We’ll wait and see if there are any bites. I’ve actually been really surprised that people still steadily keep buying my old ones. They’re not flying off the shelves, but 1 or 2 things sell every month. Maybe I can actually muster some effort and pick up that pace. I’ll take whatever I can claw at.
I have a weird, techy quirk that I caught myself doing again today and thought I’d spread. As an IT Guy (I capitalize b/c that’s my official title), I’m often called upon to “fix the Internet”. Of course I start by pinging around, making sure DNS servers are available, etc; but, as with most things in my line of work, the problem is often fixed by simply closing the browser and trying again. Once the browser reloads and your homepage pops up, it seems like you’re in the clear. But, as any seasoned IT Guy knows, browsers often load your homepage from cache, thus giving you a false sense of “having Internets”. The solution is to simply try some other webpage that you know won’t be sitting in cache. That’s where cheese comes in handy. I’m pretty sure I picked up this habit from my old IT mentor, Walton. I say I picked it up from him, but I don’t think it was actually a habit until it was passed on to me. One day we were troubleshooting a computer having connection issues. We finally got it to pull up the homepage (Google), but to make sure it wasn’t just showing a cached page, Walton searched the first thing that came to mind: cheese. That stuck with me for absolutely no reason. Since then, googling “cheese” has been part of my troubleshooting arsenal. I’m sure plenty friends and coworkers have been curious when the come back to their desks and find cheese.
I’m just jotting down an idea while I’m fresh out of the shower.
A parody of one of those Time-Life (or whatever) commercials selling oldies CDs. This time it’s “The Best of Johnny Yolk and the Albumen”, a throwback rock-n-roll band that sings exclusively about eggs. I’m imagining a breakfast themed wardrobe (bacon ties, etc). I’ll need to flesh out the songs a little, but we’re talking about those short clips where they mostly just sing the chorus. So far:
Kentucky Scramble – their biggest swing single
Over Easy – a slow, romantic melody
Sunny Side up – a feel-good ballad
Egg on my Face – a breakup song
Gettin Laid – one of the grittier songs from late in their career
Mama was a Chicken – a bit of bluegrass
I Aint no Custard – spirited fight song
Feel free to contribute any ideas. Once it’s cogent, I’ll see if we can get it shot and uploaded.
so I’m at home diggin on one of the best plates of liver n onions I’ve ever tasted, fork just dropping through them like butter. I give part of the credit to the fact that I’m eating with my favorite fork. It’s one that got handed handed off to me when I went to college or moved into my first apartment or something. In fact I like my fork so much that I start thinking about naming it excalibur or something. But then wait…it’s a fork. It’s quite plausible that more than one of this exact fork was manufactured. There’s possibly a whole drawer of excaliburs out there. Fast forward five minutes and I’m searching vintage allegheney flatware on ebay and reading collectibles forums. Apparently it’s everyone else’s favorite fork too. Similar yet inferior forks sell for $10 each and are never found in sets larger than four. Turns out my fork truly is excalibur. Maybe I really can blame the fork for making me fat.
I’ve decided that I need to adopt a pen name. I still plan on writing under my net handle, Willgasm, but I think I need an anonymous outlet as well. Some of the topics nearest and dearest to me are, at the very least, controversial. I find myself trying to write but wind up filtering myself until the meaning becomes unrecognizable. I can’t tell you how many drafts I’ve spilled onto my keyboard only to later sanitize them into an unpublishable shell of their former self. I feel the need to speak my true thoughts, but not at the expense of my job, friends, livelihood, or ability to board a plane. So keep an eye out for any mysterious, brash new writers on the web, and give them your support. For all you know, it’s really me behind a clever alias. Maybe a bit of freedom will afford me the voice my work has been lacking. And once I make it big, I can always pull the big reveal and start writing as myself again. It’s like Hunter S. Thompson once said, “If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.”
I think the people who want to show support for Chick-fil-A should wear cow suits for a day. Y’know, like the ones in their ads. And they should have signs that say “Eat mor chikin” and stupid shit like that. I’m not saying this because I want to see people show their support for Chick-fil-A, but at least for a day it would be easy to spot the people you want to avoid.
So I’ve got a lot of stuff swimming through my head this morning and I think it’s best if I just get it out on paper so I can see how silly it is.
It starts with a dream; one of those long, intricate dreams that seem to span a lifetime…or a week in this case. I’m on vacation; the nerdiest vacation imaginable. I’ve set a week aside to fly out of state and participate in what’s billed to be “the largest LARP event ever.” LARP guilds from all over the country have convened in America’s heartland donning elaborate costumes and wielding foam swords and axes, all to act out a week long adventure fighting dragons and battling dark wizards bent on resurrecting ancient evils from Earth’s past. The whole thing culminating with one giant final battle for those adventurers hardcore enough to survive all the quests and mobs the GMs throw at them. Seems like a normal enough dream so far (for me at least), but then comes the twist. I meet a girl. Being a dream and all, I couldn’t even tell you her name, but suffice it to say she’s the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes upon. She an elven ranger and I a dwarven warrior, we wind up questing together. With the other members of our party, we’re an unstoppable force making quick work of any obstacles the GMs put forth. Over the next several days of adventuring, her and I have plenty of time to share our RL stories. As we get to know each other out of costume, it becomes apparent to both of us that we’re quickly falling in love. This realization comes, however, as the week is drawing to a close. The day of the final battle has finally come. She has a place in the raid, but I’ve been eliminated due to a slow priest. As I help her prep for battle, we’re talking about our schedules and we realize that between this final quest and my early departure the next morning, these will be our last moments together. We say our disheartened goodbyes as she joins the raid party. A bit misty, I walk back toward the spectators area. Out of nowhere, she comes bounding across the field and jumps onto my back, hugging me tightly around the neck. We share a long, deep kiss; both of us caught somewhere between laughing and crying. We spend our final hours together in each other’s arms. As dawn draws near, we make plans for the rest of our lives together. We share a teary goodbye outside the airport, neither of us wanting to leave the other’s side, but sanguine in our plans to meet again soon.
Then I wake up, ready to quit my job and move out of state to start my life with the literal girl of my dreams. As the day progresses, I can’t get her smile out of my head. I still feel her breath against my neck as I wrap my arms around her tightly. I can’t shake these emotions very real, for a girl who isn’t.