I had a pretty epic dream last night, so I wanted to get the fragments down while still somewhat fresh. I was back home in the Gap visiting. It was a damn hot day so a bunch of us decided to go cool off in the creek. We met up with some friends at a swimming hole near Iredell. We were all fishing, swimming, drinking, grillin and such when an old beat-up pickup pulled up near where we were camped out. We didn’t recognize the truck, so a few of us went to see who it was. When we got to the truck, we were all taken back to see it was Willie Nelson. He was just out for a drive through the country and happened upon us. We all had a good time just sitting around telling stories and pickin. Willie was even awesome enough to let a couple friends strum on Trigger; made their day. At the end, Willie played a song he had just wrote to commemorate the occasion. I wish I could remember all the words because it was truly spectacular. The only part I can still hear ringing through my head was the very end of the chorus that went “…and gettin hiiiiiiiiiigh, down on Duffau.”
I was just browsing around on Urban Dictionary, as I’m wont to do, when I came across this entry. For those of you too chicken to click, I’ll plagiarize:
Similar to penis wrinkle, it is a term used to describe a useless person. Think about it, how useful would it be for a dick to have a knuckle?
USELESS? That would be the single greatest thing I could ever hope to attain. What I would give to wake up one morning and find I’d grown a dick knuckle overnight. I couldn’t imagine anything topping that level of excitement short of discovering I have a double-jointed dick knuckle. I know, I know, it’s a fantastical impossibility. Dick knuckles aren’t real. The logistics are all wrong. No bones. Blah Blah Blah. But seriously, Useless? Obviously this entry was written by a guy. Not just any guy, I dare say this definition came from a “bro”; the type of guy who imagines the goal of sex is to see how how far he can tuck himself into a drunk chick while snapchatting selfies to all his bro friends. And yeah, a dick knuckle would be completely wasted on such ilk. But man, just imagine the things I could do with a dick knuckle. Obviously the sex would be amazing. Any ladies reading this post right now, if you haven’t already, take a moment to gaze at the opposite wall for a moment and just really wrap your head around the idea of a dick knuckle. Ok, everybody back? I guarantee, every woman who just gave it a moment’s thought now wishes their man had a dick knuckle. Hell, maybe a couple dick knuckles. They know. They know from personal experience the type of energetic response elicited from targeted stimulation. That’s the power of the knuckle. Would ladies find a dick knuckle attractive? No, not aesthetically. Knuckles are just fleshy, lumpy, bendy bits. Nobody finds knuckles attractive (I’m sure some sick fuck finds knuckles attractive), but what they lack visually, they more than make up for tactually. I would sell my soul for that kind of sexual dexterity; hitting any wall from any angle. Anybody who’s had sex in a shower knows exactly what I’m talking about. I mean, I don’t even have a dick knuckle and I’ve already developed a finishing move I call the “cum hither”. And that’s just the sex. I’m sure if I had a dick knuckle, I’d find new uses for it every day. For instance: peeing. There’d be no more conundrum over what to do with morning wood. No more weird lunging/squatting/planking maneuvers to hit the bowl. I know you ladies are happy about that. And guys, you can now pee around corners. Everyone wins! I’m sure with time I’d find endless uses for a prehensile cock. Standing at the front door, hands full, fumbling for keys? Working under the hood and there’s nobody to hold a flashlight? Ordering an armload of beer and the concession stand when you get a hankering for a hotdog? These are all problems of the past. So in conclusion, embrace the dick knuckle. We should be so lucky to evolve such a useful tool. And if anyone should hurl this moniker your way, just smile and say “thank you”. We should all strive to be dick knuckles.
Well… I mean, I saved everything… then I deleted it. I just wanted a fresh start. I’ve been super-negligent when it comes to site upkeep, and I decided a clean slate was in order. So, I made a backup and wiped the whole damned thing out. Hopefully I’ll have some goodies for y’all soon: some more shirts n shit, my own mindless ramblings, product reviews, EatyNoTalky vids, and some new projects I’ve been dreaming up. I might even feature some guest content if I can drum up any interested contributors. Whodafuck knows? So check back later and see what’s going on. Or, just follow me on Twitter or something and I’ll keep you posted. I’m a shameless self-promoter.